Just saw this on fb. They win the Irony Award for 2013.
Being a teacher is mostly a thankless job but every once in awhile a student will let you know that you made a difference in their life.
I just got this email from a student:
“This was honestly one of the best classes I’ve ever taken! You were an amazing professor and I love the way you taught the class and thanks to this class I enjoy photography even more and have found a way to be creative and artistic. I never thought I was good at any of it but turns out this was it. Thank you so much for everything! You’re the best! I hope to see you around again.”
A week ago today my car was hit by a truck. A truck came into my lane and squished my car. Thankfully I’m okay physically- but mentally I’m in the hospital hooked up to all kinds of machines. It’s touch-and-go but I’ll pull through eventually. At least there will be no visible scars.
Truck vs. Honda Civic: It’s a terrible match-up. Trucks should only be allowed to pick on trucks their own size- it’s only fair. A Honda Civic has no chance when a truck wants to fight. NO CHANCE. My Honda wasn’t even prepared… just driving along with no cares in the world. What an idiot.
I have had that car for ten years. It’s paid for. It’s been a great car with no maintenance issues. IT’S PAID FOR. It has gotten me from point A to point B daily for ten years and was never a whiny bitch about it once. (Except for that one day I went to McDonalds three times but that’s not important now.)
That car was the only one who knew my secret eating habits- expertly hiding the evidence of my 7-Eleven candy binges under its seats. It listened quietly without judgment while I sang at the top of my lungs. It saw boyfriends come and go and never once told me what it really thought of them- but I knew.
I have driven it across the country a few times and guess what? NO ACCIDENTS. I have driven all speeds on freeways all over the country, through heavy traffic, heavy winds, downpour rain, slippery ice and snow and guess what? NO ACCIDENTS.
Look, I know accidents happen but not to me. They only happen to other people.
If one good thing has come from this, it’s that I’m really terrified while driving. I think every single person is coming into my lane. I overreact and have panic attacks. Please don’t drive next to me.
I’m still waiting to hear from the powers that be if my car is going to pull through this or if I will have to pull the plug. I am really hoping for the former. I don’t want a new car. If it is totaled, I don’t want the Kelley Blue Book value, I want the Robin McCauley value: ten years of priceless memories, or the cash equivalent.
I love this guy.
Upon entering my home people have said, “You have a lot of stuff.” And, to clarify, that’s not to say I have nice things or things of any real value. It’s more that, well, I have a lot of stuff. I wouldn’t say I’m at “someone needs to call A&E” level of stuff. It’s just stuff I’ve…
Answers to the name “Please for the love of God leave me alone” or “Fluffy”. Must not have any other cats, dogs, children, unexpected noises (inside or outside!), rogue red dots, or people talking or whistling or laughing or crying. Helicopter and airplane noise above the home must be kept to a minimum and NEVER let it be windy outside. If you live in a part of the country that has thunder, please make sure that it never happens again.
Owner must be home all the time and never overly loving or needy. Owner should always be sitting down or lying down- never ever standing or walking. Owner should always wear warm cozy fuzzy knead-friendly clothing that resembles the cat’s mother.
Owner should take care neither to overfeed nor to underfeed the cat. Owner will anticipate when the cat is hungry and quickly arrange a plate of food with various options to suit the cat’s mood that hour. Fresh caught fish at room temperature is preferred but canned tuna and an apology letter will do in a pinch.
Water should always be available but the cat will not drink water from a dish. Owner must leave all faucets running 24/7. If the running water is thoughtlessly turned off, not to worry- the cat will not try to find an alternate source and will sit there for hours until it’s turned back on.
The litter box should be kept in a quiet, low-traffic area with an ample space around the box where the cat can go to the bathroom if he is mad at you.
Many expensive toys should be bought for the cat to look at. For those rare instances when the cat feels playful, a piece of garbage will do.
Owner will not need to have unsightly cardboard scratch boxes around the home. The cat only uses décor-friendly leather furniture for sharpening his claws. (You’re welcome!)
Owner should have other sleeping arrangements in case cat refuses to move from your bed. I’ve found that a wooden stool and a towel can be pretty cozy!
If you’re interested, please call 555-CALL and we can discuss ways to transfer the cat to your home. (Please note that he will not ride in cars, trains, planes, bikes, or anything that moves or makes noise.)
“I chose this tweet because it ended up being really popular but more importantly — it’s the only one I can actually remember tweeting. I don’t even remember what I tweeted yesterday but I do remember tweeting this one 538 days ago.
I used to be VERY afraid to fly. I never let my phobia…